Well, if blogging were tennis and the dentist were working on my thesis project.
I suppose I could use this blog entry as part of my thesis?
I am at the main UTK library (Hodges) in a grad lounge slightly reminiscent about late night projects of years past trying to achieve the impossible and synthesize countless hours of work in support of a thesis that I am only thinly able to support.
Why only thinly? Well, because I battle age-old habits that make me absolutely terrible at time management. I was ambitious in my proposals, and though I feel like I worked hard on my craft, I fell short of nearly every intention I'd set.
But hey, the good news is I'm learning. So yay. Go grad school.
I truly believe the old adage that if you want something done, give it to a busy person. But I've been so busy with production schedules and academic demands, I lost the part of myself capable of fostering good habits.
She's a wispy one...that part of myself. Or maybe he's more wily than wispy. Ephemeral. Dodgy. Scattered? It's hard to pin down.
I like that about her/him/them.
That's right...I think this part of myself is non-binary. I think maybe all of me is non-binary? But it's hard to keep up. I'm sort of all over the place.
Don't worry. Pronouns don't offend me and for most of my life I've blithely been a she/her/hers. That'll do. But if we're gonna get technical, I'd say it's a bit of a stretch to label myself cisgender, but I play a cis woman on tv. (Ha! Like the old commercial.) But I don't care to shave my body hair (unless I must for a gig), my husband is equally unattached to "roles" we "should" play in our family (though he likes to tease with an occasional faux-Southern accented, "woman!"), and I am a lesbian in my dreams like 87% of the time. A metaphysical analysis might point to my desire to be intimate with the conscious (woke) aspects of myself.
I mean, I remember learning the word "gender" from my Uncle Mike. He was the first adult family member I lost some years later, and he was a trip! He passed away pretty suddenly when I was a teenager, and I feel the loss of not getting to know him as an adult. He was a total eclectic weirdo like me. Maybe it wasn't actually the first time I'd heard the word gender, but I remember him lamenting that his students (I forget what grade he taught...freshmen maybe?) did not know what the word meant. Those same students are likely even more confused today. But confusion isn't a crime. Thank God.
Or Goddess.
I just realized my children will also have an Uncle Mike who is a teacher.
They may also be confused about gender. I mean, gender might just be all the adjectives I previously used to describe that part of myself capable of fostering good habits...trixy. Spectral. Both elusive and a bit of a lie, or at the very least a cheat. A mirage.
I could go on, but maybe you get it? If you don't, do not panic. I am the weird one, and you are probably smarter than me. Sometimes I complicate matters unnecessarily. You know, like compiling basic analytics for a thesis or simply updating a website.
I drove to Chicago this week for an audition and have been listening to Charles Duhigg's The Power of Habit on audio. Definitely not my preferred method of absorption (is my ADD obvious? because it certainly is with audiobooks), but a pretty great read (listen?), nonetheless. It's helping me wrap my head around some steps I need to take to ensure my health and boost my productivity (which is dismal).
Not only did I get to go to an audition, but I was invited by an old friend to join him for the opening night of An Enemy of the People at The Goodman Theatre. Ibsen was a genius and The Goodman is legendary so I was pleased as punch for the opportunity. (thanks Greg Allen!) Of course it whet my appetite for good work and now I'm compulsively checking cheap flights to make it back up to the windy city to catch Sheila Callaghan's Women Laughing Along with Salad. And my Aunt Chris is recovering well from her deep brain surgery and let me use her car for the Chi-town adventure....which saved me a bundle as I'd planned to rent one to avoid running mine into the ground. (thanks Aunt Chris!) Needless to say, I'm a lucky duck.
This week I've been nothing if not grateful. Nothing like a little spring break to make one feel renewed in all interests. That breathing room was just enough for me to fill up with love and gratitude, and gain a little perspective on just how damn lucky I truly am. I've been acting in a short film the last couple of days and the character was a blast. Another film we worked on is finished and being entered into festivals. The horizon looks pretty chocked full of opportunity. Possibility.
I know it was read by far less folks because I posted it in the middle of the night, but I had some feelings about my last blog post. I was beginning to feel like a bit of a downer. Embittered or sore...and I had mixed feelings about sharing that with the world. But if I'm gonna be a writer y'all will have to take the bad with the good, I suppose.
Ugh, I just had to leave the library because it got late. I probably won't post this until I edit/reread it in the morning anyway, so these interruptions don't matter, but where was I...?
Gratitude? The Habit book!
Productivity.
Yeah, I'm definitely living below my capacity in that regard.
I have often struggled to force my unruly ducks into a row.
Hell, y'all are witnessing me chase the proverbial wild geese in this blog exercise (tired of the fowl analogies yet?).
I think this propensity for overstimulation is yet another reason I'm a luddite. My husband is constantly scoffing at how many browser windows I have open. With so many irons in the fire, I tend to struggle when I'm required to actually forge something substantial. We have more coming at us in the form on communication and information than any human beings in history. I don't take that lightly. Nor does my brain.
I hope this blog will suffice as an excuse for why my website may not be totally up to date. I feel like I should start to incorporate a little Twitter into my life, too, but honestly even thinking about it gives me a headache.
I went through and reset my security settings on all the apps on FB (as it turns out, some folks are actually quite good at compiling basic analytics). The whole Cambridge Analytica bs made me want to get off of social media all together...
But it is a tool I shall use for the time being. And I'm grateful.
It could very well be why and how you're reading this right now so I truly can't complain. Well, anymore. I mean, I will complain again someday I'm sure....but I'll try very hard to not make a practice out of it. I'm very familiar with folks who do just that...they've clearly never seen this kid share the wisdom of Prem Rawat.
But I digress (and expression I also remember being explained by Uncle Mike).
The book chats a bit about cornerstone habits, and I'd like to implement some of my own starting tomorrow. And perhaps keep up accountability through this medium of blogging? They're cornerstone habits I've had previously over the years, and I've seen how powerful they can be. I've witnessed how they transform my life and other habits. The ripple. The wave out. Now that my performance and class schedule is tapering off for the school year, I feel pretty inspired to return to these old ways.
Daily meditation and yoga. Not gonna think about any diet or exercise regimen. Just gonna practice some good ol' habits and watch the dominos of the upward spiral fall. I know from my years of practice that these habits lead to better diet and nutrition, more personal responsibility, and a more balanced emotional life. Donc, je commence.
Because we'd like to start a family, I'm looking at health and productivity through a slightly different lens. I'm sure at 36 my fertility ain't what it used to be, but I cannot see myself so desperate to procreate I would result to hormonal treatments or procedures your average Western fertility clinic would follow. I've had many cousins go that route, and I know that it's not for me. Though I am happy it worked for them...they made some awesome humans. So, I'm hoping to kickstart habits that will not only clarify my desire to have a child, but hopefully ramp up my ability to do so.
When one thinks of corners, you might envision a square room like I did. I immediately chastised myself for being so limited (why not 7?), and then swung the opposite direction and chastised myself for not starting smaller (why not 3, the tetrahedron is stronger than the pyrimid, no?). But nonetheless, I have settled on four basic cornerstone habits I will attempt practice everyday. For my health and the health of the world that I might chose to bring a child into.
I would like to create the habit of avoiding plastics. As I write, I am eating walnuts from a plastic bag because Kroger is closer to my house and cheaper than the Coop. But I'm serious about this one. Henceforth, I'll do my part. Not only are there proven endocrine disruptors associated with all plastics, this shit hurts my heart and my head, and totally makes me second guess bringing more human life into the world.
I'm also thinking about keeping wifi off unless I'm using it, and then being aware of my time and usage. Being here (I did return to edit and expand this entry this morning so I am back in a grad student carrel looking out over the Tennessee River, once again waxing nostalgic about my time here in school) reminds me of how much more productive I can be when using the internet outside my home. I think I will save on the AT&T bill and just cancel my internet service at home for the next few months. It's so slow and my computer's operating system is so outdated, I originally came to the library to work on my website/edit video with a rented labtop on with faster service, anyway. I will miss the HBO (provided generously by my mother-in-law), but I'll just come catch up on my stories here at the library.
For those agents/casting directors/writers who would chastise my decision to scale back my tv habit...chillax. I'm not that kind of actress anyway. Not to say I won't work in this powerful medium and indulge healthily...I'd just like to be more mindful when and how I do...and believe me, as far as studying and keeping up with my craft, I just dedicated 3 years of my life to it so I think we're good.
My father-in-law actually used to have a gospel group called The Cornerstone Singers. He had an incredible voice (as do his sons). Though I doubt we practice it very similarly (he was a Baptist minister of music), we both keep the faith. He would have been 60 this week. I vaguely remember meeting him in high school, and ironically one time would've likely been after a performance of Our Town (in which I played Emily and my brother-in-law was George). I wish I would've looked at him like a I really saw him. I wish I would've known how important he would one day be in my life. To my future kids. Or how quickly he'd shuffle off this mortal coil.
The Power of Habit talks about this faith. The belief we can change is the most powerful prerequisite, and practicing believing in a power greater than yourself strengthens your ability to believe. In yourself. In us.
Each day is a gift, even if some of them feel more like empty wrapped shoe boxes/prop gifts like the ones on our film set today (or yesterday). And so are all the people you encounter through said day. The ones there to challenge ya, strengthen you. Even if they're folks you didn't chose with whom you are forced to engage throughout your life (i.e. your family or your cohorts).
I've always loved school and this experience has been no different. I may not have mastered productivity, but I think I learned a thing or two about myself and that has clarified my responsibilities and renewed my passions as an artist. As I head off now to march for our lives, for peace, for a new culture where we acknowledge our fears and anger and transcend through personal responsibility, I just want to thank you. For coming along on this wild ride with me. I have been inspired throughout my life by getting to know so many incredible humans...and you're one of 'em.
The great works begins...now.
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